Chapter 5
The last of the people walked into the room, walking to their beds. Cousin saw the man with the plastic bags walk in the room to his bed. He felt too tired from the shower where he wanted to sleep. The cold water had got hot, and Cousin had finally got clean, smelling the soap up under the dirt of his clothes. The dirty clothes were uncomfortable, but he had taken a shower, and that’s what had been important.
Laying his head back on the bed pillow, the man with the bed next to him walked into the room, walking to the bed. He sat down looking at the crowd of the showers. Taking off his shirt, he grabbed the towels on his bed, putting them up under the bed. Taking off his shoes, he began to talk to Cousin.
“Listen man, they got this thing they showed on the tv where the people looked crazy, and everything. I sat there, stomach full from the dinner, watching these rich people act crazy. I couldn’t believe it, but it’s a tv show, and everything.” Cousin wasn’t paying attention.
“They also showed something they suppose to have at the park way. It looks like it’s going to be a lot of people. I might stay around to see if they’ll let me in.”
Cousin thought about the people that had given him the ticket. Yeah, they might let him in.
Someone walked from the bathroom.
“Is the bathroom empty?” the man asked, grabbing his towel from the floor. The man coming from the bathroom shook his head.
“I’m going to take me a shower,” looking at Cousin, and that he had already taken his shower. Cousin’s eyes were closed.
“Was the water cold?” Cousin shook his head. He began to think about the alley, the store across the street, the people in the abandoned building apartment.
The man with the bed next to Cousin stood, walking over to the bathroom entrance. Walking into the showers, Cousin closed his eyes again. There were two large trash containers further up the alley, the two large apartment buildings, and the fried hamburger restaurant. Hearing the shower water cut on, Cousin remembered the cakes that had been given to him from the waiter at the eatery. The cakes would be good until he got a chance to eat them. He would have given them away if he had known that they were going to serve hotdogs for dinner.
Turning over on his side, the position was uncomfortable. It felt like something was in his back. The noise from conversation in the room began to grow quiet as the people in the room started to go to sleep. Some people were still talking toward the front of the entrance of the room, talking about what they had seen on the television.
Cousin figured that the people at the shelter would be by in a few minutes to cut the lights off. The room would get totally dark, and they would be in a room in a shelter. The noise from outside the building would define the silence in the shelter. The street lights from downtown would shine through the room, showing the row of beds, and the crowd of people under covers. So many people with the same problem, with no help coming. And there were more people upstairs. And some would be back tomorrow, and some would not be coming back. Some would leave the city, and some would go back to where they were in the city, and have to deal with their situation.
The older man that worked at the shelter walked into the room, looking at the back toward the bathroom.
“Is someone in the shower?” Everyone was silent as the lights from the bathroom came out into the opening of the room, over the beds located in the back. The man who’s bed was next to Cousin walked out the bathroom, wiping his face with the towel.”
Talking to Cousin, looking at the man at the front of the entrance of the room that worked for the shelter, “That shower is what I needed. The water was hot too.” Cousin didn’t really respond, kind of moving his head against the pillow and his hands.
“Is there someone else in the bathroom?”
The man sat down, pulling the covers from the across the bed.
“No, I was the last one,” lying out, moving in the comfort of the bed mattress. Cousin could tell he was still cold from the outside. You would carry the cold with you where ever you went. It would come into who you were, and how you lived, becoming apart of you.
The man from the shelter cut the room lights off, the bathroom lights cutting off. Walking down the hallway, footsteps could be heard walking from the kitchen. The hallway lights cut off, someone locking the front doors of the shelter building.
Turning on his back, the room was silent. Some people could be heard in their sleep, other people could be seen looking up into the ceiling. The night had come, and the business of the shelter was closed for the day, but their day was not finished. And for many that would not being coming back to the shelter, the silence was just a continuation of the struggle that they were in.
Cousin closed his eyes to the sound of the shelter. He had become tired again, and his head had begun to hurt as the noise of the room became silent . . . .
The lights in the room cut on first. Cousin opened his eyes to the sound of someone going into the shower.
“Get ready for breakfast.” It was the man who had cut his hair. “And make sure you have something to take some food out. It’s going to be good. I believe they put some hamburgers on the trays this morning.” The man turned from the room, walking back out into the hallway of the shelter.
Cousin thought about the bathroom. He had to use the bathroom, not wanting to stand in line for the showers. He would just wait until everyone had finish.
Someone in the room yelled out. ”Does someone know what time it is?” Cousin looked out the window behind his head. It was still dark, and did not look like it was morning, but the sun would be up soon he figured.
Someone walked out the bathroom as someone walked in the bathroom as a couple of more people stood by the bathroom waiting for the showers.
Sitting up on the side of the bed, Cousin breathed in. The man in the bed next to him was still sleep. A lot of the people in the room were still sleep as the room lights blared across the amass of people.
Someone came from the showers again as Cousin rubbed across the top of his head. Standing up, he grabbed his towel and soap from under the front part of the mattress. The bathroom area had become empty, Cousin looking around for someone that might be waiting for the showers.
Everyone in the room was either moving about, getting ready for breakfast or sleeping. Cousin walked into the bathroom, into the shower, pulling the shower curtain closed. Putting his pants and shirt behind the curtain, he cut the hot water on. The water was cold as he walked under the pour of the cold water . . . .
As Cousin came out the bathroom, there was the stare of old men, young men, middle aged men, standing around, waiting, engaged in conversation, waiting for breakfast.
And the thing that was most disturbing to Cousin is that they would all have to leave. One of the men, waiting for the shower, walked passed Cousin into the bathroom.
Cousin sat down on the bed, pulling from under the bed his shoes, and one of his heavy shirts. It was still dark outside as the man in the bed next to him walked up with some plastic bags, handing Cousin a couple of bags.
“You need a couple of bags?”
Shaking his head, Cousin grabbed the plastic bags, putting them in his coat, on the side of the bed stand. He wanted to go back to sleep. He wanted to sleep. He needed to sleep for what seemed like a long time to get back his spirit that had been taken from him.
The food trays from the kitchen could be heard, as a couple of people could be heard in the hallway moving toward the dinner hall. The man said that they would be serving hamburgers with the breakfast. He thought would they have pork on the food trays. They would probably have the hotdogs from last night on the trays too; maybe the cold french fries. They also gave away a lot of cakes and bread in the morning. The eggs were difficult to get, to take out the shelter, unless you waited in line.
And Cousin would see that when they did serve pork, you would have to wait in line for it. But when you are hunger with no money and not knowing where you were going to eat, people would say food is food.
But Cousin had seen that when everyone would be waiting in the line for the pork, the cake and bread line would be empty, where he could fill his bags with as much cake and bread as he could carry. They even had the cakes with the thick frosting on them. But he had also learned the he had to make sure he had somewhere comfortable to use the bathroom or it would not be as good a day as the free food told him.
Cousin put the dirty towels on top the bed, pulling the thick button up shirt from under his coat, putting it on. He could feel the warmth and the dirt together, looking out into the darkness of the downtown city.
Finally putting his coat on, Cousin walked to the entrance of the room. He was the last one to leave, looking back at the arrange of beds in the rows, and the towels on each bed. Everything seemed in perfect order in the shelter, but that comfort was only for one night, and the struggle of being in the city would pick up until you found somewhere to stay.
Cousin thought, as he walked into the hallway to the dinner hall, that the alley provided for him what the shelter didn’t; that he would have somewhere to stay regardless of the time of the day. He didn’t have to wait in line. He didn’t have to deal with people that didn’t seem to care. And when he laid down to go to sleep, when he woke from his sleep, he didn’t have to leave.
The man that had slept next to Cousin walked from the dinner hall, standing next to Cousin as he walked up on the line of people waiting for breakfast.
“I seen them food trays, and it look like they got everything up there. Hamburgers, hotdogs. I seen cakes. They got the cheese in the eggs. I seen some meat that I couldn’t recognize, but it looked like turkey or some type beef.”
Cousin thought about the hotdogs and the cakes. He figured that with him being last in the line, and to get his food and eat it, he wouldn’t get a chance to take some of the cheese and eggs with him. He needed to find where he would use the bathroom if he had to use the bathroom.
Even if he could make it back to the alley from the morning food, he still didn’t want to just use the alley for a bathroom unless he had to. He could take the park way to the alley, and use their bathrooms. But if he had to use the toilet, the park way bathrooms would be filthy.
Or he could take the main street downtown up to the cross section of the city, and walk across to the main streets that led away from the city. A couple of fast food restaurants on the way might let him use the bathroom if they weren’t crowded or if they really didn’t see him. He could probably by something, and use the bathroom that way. He didn’t know.
The food store that gave the canned food had a public bathroom for the people that came in, and they never gave a hassle about using the bathroom, but he didn’t know if they would be open today.
Walking into the entrance of the dinner hall, he could see the line of food trays for breakfast, and the line of food trays that they used to give the food away, covered in plastic. He could see the hamburgers and the hotdogs under the plastic in the food tray, and what looked like eggs and cheese. And the cakes and bread sat in the trays toward the end of the food line, but a couple of food trays, Cousin couldn’t recognize what was in them.
Grabbing the paper plate and cup from the table, walking up to the first tray, the man from the kitchen put the large scoop of grits on his plate, followed with a knife scoop of butter. The grits were still hot as the butter melted across the top. The next tray had some type of bread toast with syrup, the man scooping a large spoonful of eggs, putting it on his plate.
As Cousin walked to the end of the food trays, there was the strong smell of coffee, and they had small bottles of orange juice with the water.
Cousin grabbed some small milks, and a couple small packages of cereal, walking to the back of the dinner hall to eat. Putting his food on the table, he walked back to where they had the coffee and orange juice. Grabbing two bottles of orange juice, Cousin filled his cup with water, drinking down the water, refilling the small cup again with water. He walked back to the table, the dinner hall becoming quiet from the quiet of the morning except for the people serving the food.
Cousin’s table was empty. Sitting back down, he could see that the butter had melted into the grits, and soaked into the syrup of the bread toast. Opening the small package of cereal and milk, mixing them together in the cereal package, Cousin bit down into the spoonful of wheat flakes and milk. His throat began to burn from the dry taste of cereal, followed by the cold taste of the milk. Taking another bit, he grabbed the small cup of water.
Drinking the cup of water, Cousin grabbed the syruped toast, biting into the bread and syrup. He sat back in his chair to pull himself closing to the table. The taste of the toast was good, swallowing a spoonful of eggs.
He took another bite from the toast, followed with two more bites, finally swallowing the entire of what he had in his hand. Chewing slowly as the syrup soaked into his mouth, he could feel himself wake up from the tire of his sleep.
Grabbing the fork from under the paper plate, Cousin put the spoon into the cereal container, to begin to eat the eggs. The eggs had a funny taste to them, like they had been cooked, and left out to dry.
Mixing in the eggs with the grits, he took another mouthful, the melted butter taking away the taste of the dry eggs. Cousin swallowed what he was eating. He grabbed the bowl of cereal, drinking the rest of the milk and cereal from the container. The spoon dropped from the cereal container onto the table, a small splatter of milk staining his coat. Digging into the grits again, this time with the spoon, he took another mouthful. There was the drool of syrup and butter on the side of his mouth as he wiped his face with the back of his hands.
He could feel his stomach begin to grow tight from the food, slowing down in his hurry to finish the food. Some of the people that had stayed at the shelter began to throw their paper plates in the trash can, walking over to the food that was to be giving away.
The woman at the food tray unravelled the plastic from the top of the tray pans to begin giving out food. The first of the group of men at the food trays pulled out their plastic bags, waiting in line as the woman began to fill the bags with food.
Cousin watched as the woman put about three or four hamburgers into the man’s plastic bag, going pass the hotdogs to the cheese eggs, and what looked like slices of turkey.
As he finished the last of the grits and eggs on his plate, the man that had the bed next to where he had slept walked over to him. He had finished eating, already throwing his plate and cup in the trash. Cousin, looking at him in the size of the dinner hall, could see that it was probably hard for him to get food in the city. Cousin grabbed another piece of syruped toast from his plate, biting a piece dripping with syrup.
“When they let us out of the shelter, where do you go if you need to use the bathroom if you have to?”
Cousin thought for a second, swallowing his food. He swallowed the last of the toast, opening one of the small bottles of orange juice.
“I go to the park way sometimes. If the park way is not crowded, that’s probably the best place.”
The orange juice went down slow, the taste of sugar and oranges. It was something hard to explain, how good it tasted. Cousin continued. “I was thinking the same thing, about where to go after breakfast. They have a canned food store where they give away nothing but canned foods. They’re located a couple blocks over from the main street downtown, across from the new building. You know where that is?” swallowing the rest of the orange juice from the bottle.
The younger man thought for a second. “How far is it from the sneaker store that sits overtop the dance club?”
“It’s on that street. Just walk down away from the park way on that street, and you’ll see the construction on the new building, and it is directly across from that. It will say canned foods.”
Cousin pulled his coat from around the chair, putting the second orange bottle into his coat pocket. “I don’t know if they are open today, but if you are going to be downtown, I would go over that way. If they are not open, I’ll probably try to find a fast food restaurant that won’t give a hassle. The younger man thought for a minute.
“You going to try to stay at the shelter again?”
Cousin shook his head.
“I don’t know. I might stay around downtown, and see if I can stay again without no long wait.” Cousin knew that the people that didn’t come yesterday would be at the shelter today, and that the waiting line would be crowded.
The young man told him thank you, walking into the entrance of the dinner hall, and the trays of food that the shelter was giving away. This time waving in his direction, Cousin called him back to the table where he was eating. He still looked hungry.
“I stay toward the upper part of the city in an alley. It’s not clean, but it’s quiet and you can sleep. Do you know how to get to the two main streets across the section of the street that separates the park way away from the downtown?” The young man shook his head.
“Ok, if you come straight up either one of those main streets, before you get to the large neighborhoods, you’ll see some brick apartment buildings. Between the buildings, there will be a large alley about the size of a small street. That’s where I stay.”
“The young man began to think again, “I never been that far out into the city, but I know the main streets you’re talking about.”
“If you need to walk around because the downtown area is so cluttered with people, it can be somewhere for you to walk to, where you won’t be lost, and won’t have to worry about where you’re going to sleep if you get tired or can’t walk back to where you want.”
The younger man smiled a little, slapping Cousin’s hand in thank you. Turning around, he pulled his plastic bag from his pants pocket, walking to the front of the dinner hall and the food. Cousin saw that he still didn’t have a heavy coat.
The crowd of men wanting to be giving food had increased, a longer line had formed. But as Cousin had seen it before, everyone was waiting for the meat, and the cakes and bread section of the food trays were empty of people.
Cousin opened the last of the cereal containers, pouring the small milk into the bowl. This cereal was a dark colored flavor with a chocolate strawberry taste. The taste was difficult to swallow, Cousin taking a drink from the water cup. Looking over again at the bread trays, there were a couple of people waiting to be given bread.
The man from the shelter passed out the large breads, handing it to a couple of people in line. Cousin could feel his time at the shelter; the hair cut, the bed, the shower, even the people that looked like and went through what he went through every day, just being around them, was at its end. He took another swallow of the cereal and milk, drinking the last of his water.
Thinking about what he had told the young man about walking over to the canned food store, he could feel his feet hurt. The pain in the side of his back felt better but he felt heavier. He would have to find a bathroom on the way back to the alley, and figured that without the hassle and ugliness of people, he would use the park way direction.
He took a final spoonful of cereal and milk, standing up from the table, walking over to the trash can. There was the smell of eggs and cheese. The meat trays still had a lot of meat in them even though he was the last of the people in the dinner hall.
Cousin pulled out his plastic bag, walking to the hotdog tray. The man began to grab a handful of hotdogs, dropping them into Cousin’s bag. Cousin pointed to the stacks of hamburgers, the man grabbing a couple of pieces of hamburger, placing them in the bag on top the hotdogs.
He could already feel his bag heavy, and the tire of his walk would be worse with the heaviness of the bag. A lot of the people that came to the shelter or stayed outside, would carry bags with them. Whether it was a book bag, large plastic bags, they would have something that they carried with them that would weigh them down to their struggle on the sidewalk.
With him walking throughout the city and now staying in the alley away from downtown, to carry something heavy with him had caused him to grow tired quickly. To just be walking from one section of the town to another section without being able to move about easy, was difficult. The noise of the people, and the sounds of cars blowing their horns, bringing unnecessary attention. And with no privacy, one thing Cousin liked was what little privacy he had.
The man behind the hamburger tray grabbed a couple more hamburgers to begin to put them in Cousin’s plastic bag. Cousin backed away slowly, that he didn’t need anymore. Walking pass the tray next to the hamburgers, he could see what looked like turkey at the bottom. The tray was almost empty, and so was the egg and cheese tray, stopping in front of the woman with the large spoon in her hand.
Cousin pointed to the eggs and cheese at the bottom of the food tray,” Can I have a couple of scoops of eggs?”
The woman seemed agitated about something someone had said to her, slamming the spoon into the food tray, the splatter of eggs staining against her clothes. Cousin backed up little more from the tray. He did not need to get into some unnecessary argument with someone that wanted to argue.
The woman put the first scoop of eggs into the bag, the cover of eggs and cheese over the cover of hamburgers and hotdogs.
She could see that she was becoming anger at whatever had happened, slowing down in her scooping of the food. But her voice still said that she was anger.
“Would you like some more eggs?” the anger in her voice quieting as she stood behind the food trays with the other people that worked at the shelter. Cousin nodded his head as the woman grabbed another large spoonful of eggs and cheese, slowing putting the eggs into his bag. Cousin gave her a small smile, saying thank you.
His bag was heavy, and there was still the cake and bread trays, now standing in front of what looked like frosted cake. He thought about the cakes in his coat pocket, looking closer at the cakes in the tray. Cousin grabbed two loaves of bread, pulling out a second plastic bag, putting the loaves of bread in the bag.
A couple big pieces of cake with the thick frosting sat up in the cake tray, Cousin grabbing the colored frosting cake, putting it into his bread bag. Standing at the last two food trays, they were also giving away the rest of the orange juice bottles, and what looked like apple juice. He decided that the bags were heavy, and that he would walk in a direction away from the people until he got to point where he was almost at the alley. And he wanted to go to the canned food store.
Taking the small bottle of orange juice out of his coat pocket, putting it in the bread bag with the cakes, Cousin grabbed two more orange juice bottles, and two apple juice bottles.
He breathed out easy. The stay at the shelter was over, and he had to leave, walking out the entrance of the dinner hall, down the hallway to the front doors of the shelter. The outside dark had went away as the morning light from the sun was already beginning to light up the downtown buildings. Walking to the front doors, the woman from yesterday opened the door, the entrance of cold coming into the building.
“And if you want to stay at the shelter, you have to come early,” talking to Cousin as if she didn’t see him. She continued, “And today we serve to the public so make sure you get a bed.”
Cousin walked through the entrance doors into the morning cold, shaking his head in agreement as if he heard her. He said thank you quietly as the heavy front doors closed, followed by the doors locking.
There was no need to turn around and go back, and let the woman know he didn’t have a place to stay or that he stayed in an alley or slept at the park way. It was over, and like she had said, if he wanted to stay at the shelter today, he would have to come earlier because they were serving the public.
And he had never understood how he could be at the shelter early, every time, so he would get a bed without just standing around at the shelter every day, waiting for them to let people in. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to leave, he had concluded. To just be at the shelter on the sidewalk until they opened the doors.
But as he looked around at the emptiness of where he stood; the street, the store at the corner, the nothing across the street, he didn’t want to look at what it was. The downtown buildings covered the downtown in its shadows from the rising of the morning sun.
Grabbing both plastic bags with both hands, putting the bags over his shoulder, he began to walk in the direction of the canned food store, crossing the street in the direction of the convenient store on the corner.
The canned food store was located in the same area as the shelter. It was kind of out the way of the busy of the downtown buildings, in the remote part of downtown, but still apart of the hectic of the busyness of downtown.
The people that worked at the canned food store were totally different than the people that worked at the shelter. They both seemed that they were from the city, but the people at the canned food store were quieter in how they approached the people, it being more of a business than a place that helped people.
The people that worked at the shelter seemed that they were more just working at some employment, and were working to get off of work. But whereas the shelter would sometimes be inconsiderate of the people that came, the canned food store seemed to never care about the people that came. The attitude of get what we give you and leave, and don’t come back.
He would think sometimes, did the people that worked at the canned store know that the majority of the people that used the store were poor or hungry or slept outside. Cousin concluded that they probably didn’t because if they did, they wouldn’t treat the people as they did. But maybe they didn’t understand.
It could be very difficult, Cousin looking up to the sound of cars in the street as he approach the corner of the side walk that led to the first section of the tall downtown buildings, to understand that with the city being what it was with the houses and buildings, businesses, and people, that people actually stayed outside with nowhere to go.
Crossing the street, Cousin turned the corner. He would come from behind the city, not wanting to see the crowds of people that would be on the main street. The two bags that carried the food from the shelter seemed a little lighter as he began a steady pace in his walk. Changing hands to carry the bag, Cousin turned the second corner of the street, walking around the small street that had the drive thru ice cream store. Passing the small street, Cousin walked up on the street where the canned food store was located.
Away from the downtown buildings, there were the streets and the construction of more streets that went,and out of the city. A short distance from the construction streets was the view of buildings that used to be the main section of downtown. The buildings were abandoned, and wasted away. Something about them being a health hazard, how they were constructed.
A couple of people had tried to stay out there, but had got real sick, and now it was a real hassle to get into the building without getting hurt or climbing some type of wired fence.
Walking up the sidewalk, turning his head back into the direction of the city buildings, Cousin stopped in front of the canned food store; the large letters over top the store, ‘Canned Food Store’.
From down the street, up the sidewalk, the store had looked closed, but now in front of the store, Cousin could see a couple of people walking around with the shuffle of cans of food. The man with the push cart pushed the stacks of canned food onto the front counters by the entrance doors as Cousin walked in, the bags in his hand sliding up against the sides of the door. If he could get some canned food, they would give him a large paper bag, and he could use the paper bag to carry all of his food.
“Is the store opened today?” The man had begun to stack the cans on the counter, ignoring him. Cousin looked at the man for an answer as the man continued in his work, moving the push cart away from the door entrance. Cousin could see a woman at the food counter where they gave the canned foods. Walking to the counter, talking to the woman, Cousin asked the woman if they were open.
The older woman looked at Cousin as if she didn’t understand what he was asking, looking at the old wear of his coat, and the pairs of pants that he had on.
“We opened at 7:00 a.m. this morning, and we will be open until 12:00 p.m. And then we will have the doors closed until 3:00 p.m. Closing again at 7:00 p.m.”
Cousin put his bags of food on the floor, “I would like to have a couple cans of food.”
“When was the last time you were here?”
“I was here last week, at the beginning part of the week.” The woman gave Cousin something to write with and the piece of paper where he had to sign his name.
Cousin scribbled his name on the paper. There were a couple of people that had already come in before him.
The woman took the paper and pen from Cousin, walking to the stacks of paper bags of canned food. The woman grabbed the first bag she came to, walking back to where Cousin stood at the counter. Handing Cousin the bag, the woman began to speak to the man stacking cans on the front counter.
“And when you finish with that counter, I need you to stack the empty counters in the back.” The man nodded his head, continuing in what he was doing. Someone called the woman from the back. Looking at Cousin, she walked to the back of the store.
Cousin put the plastic bags from the shelter into the large paper bag, walking through the store toward the entrance. As he came to the front doors of the store, he had remembered that he wanted to use the bathroom. Turning in the direction of the man stacking cans, there was the small bathroom toward the side of the counter.
Cousin walked to the bathroom doors, opening the door to see if it was locked or if someone was using it. The door was unlocked and the bathroom was empty, Cousin walking in with his bag.
The bathroom at the canned food store was nothing like the bathrooms at the park way. The park way bathrooms were bigger with more toilets, but the bathroom in the canned store was a bathroom for customers. He thought to take his coat off, walking to the sink, cutting on the water. Rubbing his hands over the water, Cousin wiped his hands over the back of his coat . . . .
By the time Cousin had finished using the bathroom, he heard about three or four people come in and out of the store, with two people waiting at the front of the counter as he came out the bathroom, closing the door.
With the large paper bag in one hand, Cousin wiped his hands again against the front of his shirt. After using the bathroom wherever he was, he hated to just leave like he had only come in to use the bathroom.
The man with the push cart had stacked the entire counter by the door as Cousin began to look at what foods where in the cans. His walked slowed to a step by step to the front door. The cans of food said peas, and carrots, and peaches, and beets, and apples, and apple sauce, and canned meats. Stopping at the section on the food counter that said peas and peaches, Cousin continued to the door.
The woman walked back to the front counter, “Sir, you are still in the store? Is there something else you want?”
Looking at the woman, he shook his head no, opening the front doors, walking out onto the sidewalk. He hadn’t noticed that the store had the heat on, the cold of the air that he was outside.
Grabbing the paper bag with both hands, Cousin walked up the street into the crowd of cars and people and downtown buildings. He had not wanted to, but having used the bathroom, wanting to just get back to the alley, decided against walking around the middle of downtown.
In the midst of the people walking up and down the sidewalk, Cousin, with the large paper bag, looked like he belonged with the people on the crowded sidewalks, and car filled streets. That he was not walking with a bag full of food giving to him by shelters. That he was not walking fast to an alley where he could go to sleep. Cousin had just come from the grocery store, having spent money from some employment, and he was walking home where he lived downtown.
Crossing the street, the man bumped into him going in the opposite direction. As Cousin turned to look at the man, the lights of the dance club were visible in the light of the outside.
“Excuse me,” the man said waving at Cousin, continuing in his walk up the side walk. He was in a crowd as the crowd walked, taking the entire sidewalk. Cousin could see the heavy jacket he wore was new, and that everything about him looked new.
Stepping on the curb of the street, the sunlight shined in between the two of the downtown buildings. The light reflected the cold still in Cousin’s face, the cold of his clothes.
But Cousin had not just come from the grocery store, and he was not walking to where he lived down town. He was walking to an alley to go to sleep, having just stayed in a shelter where he had been given some food to eat.
Slowly in his walk, passing the dance club, Cousin crossed the street in between the middle of blocked cars in the street from the traffic light, and that the street was just overcrowded with cars.
The blowing of the car horns continued as he walked between a couple of people screaming out their car windows at the cars in front of them. Walking up again on to the sidewalk, he began to think about how he would go back to the alley.
With the big bag of food, he didn’t want to walk through the park way; would take too long. He wanted to be back in the alley before it got dark so he could decide about the mattresses; whether he would throw them away if they had not dried or if he would keep them regardless. He knew that the mattresses had soaked wet all the way through, but would they dry, he would have to see.
Walking to the corner of the street with the banking building, with the small alley that led to the back of the park way entrance, he crossed the street. He could see the large crowd of people walking toward him in laughter, and they were walking fast.
Cousin squeezed down on the bag in his hand, as the car horns blew. The people in the cars blew their car horns at the cars in front of them, regardless of what the traffic light was. He probably would never understand it.
The crowd walked up into Cousin, in the middle of the crossway. Through the crowd, Cousin could see the lines of cars in the street disappear, becoming consumed in the crowd of people. As the woman knocked into his bag, he could feel the woman she was with push him to the side. Changing how he held the bag of food in his hand, Cousin keep one hand free, grabbing down again around the bag.
The man walked right up into Cousin’s face stepping to the side. Cousin stumbling over his feet, catching his balance with his free hand, pushed the man out of the cross walk of the street. The strength of the push putting the man directly in front of one of the cars as the car horn blew.
Cousin knew he had pushed the man out into the front of the car, the thought the he had done something wrong. He wanted to turn around, and say something, that he was sorry. He had not really meant to do it. That because he was coming from the shelter, the people downtown felt they could do whatever they wanted to do to him.
But Cousin picked up the speed of his walk, not paying attention to what had happened. Walking through the last of the people and the crowd in the street, Cousin stepped up on the sidewalk to continue up the sidewalk. But the thought that he had pushed someone still bothered him.
What if someone had seen him? What if the man went, and got some more people, and came back to him? He didn’t have a car that he could get into, or somewhere downtown that he could go and wait until the busy of the downtown calmed down. He was walking up the street, and every one could see him. He wanted to stop as he heard a couple of people yelling from the direction he had come from. He knew they were yelling at him because of what he had done.
Walking by the small computer and electronic store that had the computer repairs, he thought to stop and look, struggling to continue up the sidewalk. The yelling continued as the car horns blew, but no one came as Cousin approached the corner that was the beginning of the end of the downtown buildings.
Again changing the bag of food in his hand, he tried to look away from where he was walking, looking at the people across the opposite side of the street.
Finally turning, looking across the street at the generic appliance store that had whatever you needed for a price that wasn’t too much, Cousin looked back in the direction of the cross walk intersection.
Seeing down the sidewalk, he could see someone yelling, but in the opposite direction of where he stood on the corner.
He looked again quickly. No one was pointing at him or running in his direction, but he still worried. To not be able to come downtown would almost destroy that he lived in the city. Confined to the alley for long periods of time would be horrible.
Cousin walked into the sun light that shined into the street. The dark of the downtown buildings slowly fading as each step in the direction he was walking was a step away from people and a step closer to him being by himself.
He thought to walk the main street all the way to the alley, but the main streets would get to be too loud further up past the park way, and he would have to stop, and he didn’t want to stop.
The car pulled around the corner, driving up street in his direction. Cousin tensed in his walk. It was the man that he had pushed in the street as the car drove by him, changing lanes continuing down the street.
Cousin walked to the side front of one of the stores, continuing to walk in the shadows of the stores that lined the street. Grabbing the hat from his inside coat lining, Cousin put hat over his head, pulling the hat down as far as it would go. He began to look across the street like he was looking for someone or something. He did that for about two streets, relaxing from the nervous of his agitation. His heart beat against the inside of his coat. Everything had begun to sweat up under his clothes, but the cold had not gone away.
Crossing the street that showed the front entrance of the park way, the line of brand new houses lined on the opposite of what looked like a fenced in field. Cousin crossed the second of the park way street intersections, away from the direction of the park way, up onto the main street sidewalk that led directly to the back of the alley.
He still didn’t know if he should walk directly to the alley from the main street or walk down the two lane street. He didn’t like the two lane streets because of the small size of the sidewalk, and certain areas of that part of the city had no sidewalk, where it would seem like you were walking in the street with the cars. And because the cars came from both directions, with few traffic lights, crossing the street was time consuming and hectic.
The car sped up from down the street, coming from the park way toward Cousin’s back. Cousin stood still, looking in the direction that he was walking. He could hear the car grow louder in sound as the speed of the car grew louder in sound. It was trouble, grabbing hold of his bag with both hands. Looking down at the torn coat that kept him warm, it would end in the city. He had not meant to push the man so hard, he thought.
The car passed by Cousin full speed, continuing up the street in the direction of the alley. They were going to follow him to the alley, he thought, to where he stayed to do something to him. He could see the man, in his dress clothes and dress shoes, fall forward toward the front of the car at the traffic light, and he knew it had been trouble.
Turning the second corner, Cousin walked the cross side street, picking up his pace. He would take the two lane street down pass the fried hamburger store into the big neighborhood, and come out the neighborhood like he had never been downtown. The bag was heavy, and would be heavy, but he would be alright. It was late in the morning, but he could still be back to the alley before night time.
Cousin walked pass the clutter of trees, and grassless dust. Coming up on the two lane cross section, Cousin walked through the gas station parking lot, walking passed the store’s front entrance. The beginning of the sidewalk had been destroyed. The cement of the walk way had broken apart, and come up. The rain had puddled and frozen, forming mud that covered the entire sidewalk up the street. His boots began to stain heavy underneath where he walked, making his walk up the street more difficult.
One of the fast food restaurants that Cousin used to go to and clean up in had closed. And he had thought that they were doing a lot of business. They served the best fried potatoes in the city, and they had the best prices on the fish.
As he walked by the closed building, he could see that they had not closed, but had moved somewhere further into the downtown of the city, in the direction of the park way. He thought when he had a chance, he would to go see what their new building looked like.
The area around the closed building was quiet. The parking lot around the building wasn’t too big, and wasn’t too small. The way the large trash can hid behind the building, surrounded by some type metal gate. How the back of the store hid in the darkness of the light, and hid from the visibility of the street. In many ways, it reminded him of the alley. It was secluded, and it was quiet. It had the look that people would leave it alone because you couldn’t see it. And with the street being two lanes, someone walking by or driving by would never pay attention that the building was there or that someone was sleeping behind the building.
He thought to stop, the large name of the store over top the front of the building, the for sale sign that sat against the window of the front of the store. The building was owned, and not abandoned, making any stay at the building short lived.
They would probably bring another food store into the building or some type gas station. It would probably be a fast food restaurant where they could make some money from the neighborhood further across the street.
The mud that had collected up the sidewalk began to disappear as Cousin entered the small neighborhood section of the two lane street. The neighborhood had the larger separated houses with individual yards with each house. The houses were surrounded in back with more streets and houses. He had walked through the neighborhood a couple of times, but he had seen mostly older poor people, and a couple of public schools. He had noticed that this neighborhood had a couple of abandoned houses that were not boarded up, where the houses were just run down, sitting empty.
Coming out behind the neighborhood, you could take the street to downtown that came in from the direction of the shelter, or the neighborhood would take you further into a remote section of the city that had the industrial buildings and businesses that needed area because of the work they produced.
Cousin had not made it passed the industrial area. He had stayed behind one of the smaller industrial buildings that had closed for a couple of days when he had walked out in that direction, but he didn’t like it. It was difficult for him to breath and sleep, and he felt like someone was out there with him. And when he had gotten hunger, besides the food he had brought with him, to walk to get food was a little bit of distance. And the worst was that there were no people around so once the businesses closed, there was just him and dirt and dust.
The traffic light turned red on both sides as cars entered onto the two lane street from the neighborhood houses. There were crowds of what looked like families in the cars that rode by, down toward the downtown of the city. Miles away, the people in the cars seemed, but so close they were. Cousin looked one more time at the cars that passed by, looking again up the sidewalk at the desolation of his situation . . . . continue